4CA - Queensland's Home for Fake News

4CA - Queensland's Home for Fake News
4CA - Queensland's Home for Fake News Led by John "Cueball" Mackenzie

08 February 2013

DRUG SCANDAL IN AUSTRALIA SPORT CONFIRMED TO EXTEND INTO FAR NORTH QUEENSLAND

The Australian Crime Commission yesterday rocked the world of Australian sport, announcing that they have found "widespread illicit use of performance-enhancing drugs" in Australian sport.  Crime organisations were found to be involved in the distribution of these drugs to athletes.  This has been a truly shattering announcement for the brains of sport-addled fans, their pathetic and empty lives filled with the adulation of these doped-up stars and their bimbo-wag's.

Stunningly, in an announcement made on 4CA's John MacKenzie talk show today, Queensland Attorney General Jarrod Bleijie tied the performance-enhancing drug scandal directly to Far North Queensland.


Bleijie announced that an investigation has found "widespread use of illicit performance-enhancing drugs" in the massive Cairns-based prostitution business - in some cases whole teams of prostitutes were being given these drugs with the knowledge and encouragement of management.  Many of these sex workers are foreigners who have been provided employment in Australia under the cover of "student visas".  But in the competitive and demanding business of professional cocksuckatry, stamina and performance standards have caused most to turn to pharmaceutical enhancements. 

These drugs are said to include copious amounts of coffee and tea, oral injections of a concoction called "Red Bull", and on many occasions the use of illicit "No-Doz" tablets.  We won't mention the effect steroids have had on these women.   

Undercover investigators have been working this case for over twelve months, making repeat visits to these hookers who advertise openly in the Cairns Post under the classified heading "Tune-Ups". Investigators were shocked to discover that what they first thought were legitimate whore moans were in fact solely the result of their massive use of illegitimate hormones.  


A local pimp, interviewed at his newly-remodeled nightclub, confirmed "it's common knowledge that hookers in FNQ have been notorious users of chemical performance enhancement and peptides". 

Like the investigation in sport this exposé will release no details, defaming all in the pursuit of a few.

With this revelation, men in Cairns are left only to spend lonely nights with their slabs of beer.  Most are unaware of the new Julia Gillard government regulation requiring fluoride to be added during the brewing process.

22 comments:

Destiny Prophet said...

I think it should be cocksuckery, not cocksuckatry. It sounds better and if we resort to verse it will quite handily be a close enough rhyme for buggery.

At least we can see the evidence with our own eyes that the Queensland Cabinet don't use performance enhancing drugs. Even the slightest enhancement of their performance would be immediately obvious.

Anonymous said...


I have simply been wondering what they are on on My Kitchen Rules. Now you gone and done it, no sleep for me tonight.

Anonymous said...

Gee you write some shit H/B, but its makes me laugh, so why didn't you put up pictures of the sluts in the Townsville post or were you to frightened of being sued. Keep up the good laughs.

Anonymous said...

I thought I had destroyed all those incriminating pics from my days at the Townville Post!

Anon No4 said...

Do the Townsville Post staff get to try out the wares they advertise?

jim-bob snr said...

Ye gads Hillbilly, this is some crap you've written, but it did give me a bit of a chuckle.

Argus Tuft said...

Congratulations, you've left no turn unstoned researching this piece. Ill bet Gavin's jealous.

Anonymous said...

I'll bet Gavin doesn't read shit this bad. HBW makes him look like Oscar Wilde in comparison.

Anonymous said...

Off subject but can anyone tell me why they held the Chinese NY celebrations in Grafton st and not on the Nard, where there is more room and a stage allready in place. Iv been told that Grafton st was origialy full of Chinese, well its not now not one chinese shop there, what a fucken joke close of a street when they should have used the nard fucken wankers.

Bazza said...

Maybe george carryonus from the greek slop shop has a chinese girl friend, after all he has to get some of his profits back to subsidise all the free meals and wine for king and mackenzie.

Anonymous said...

Grafton Street was useless for the Chinese New Year Parade. What a let-down the whole thing was. Couldn't see the stage performers, stalls not lit up, no where to sit, not enough room for people to wander and shops greedy and ready to rip-off the tourists. Get it back to Munro Martin Park next year.

Anonymous said...



Grafton Street or the Nard where were the Chinese people?

Dealer said...

They would have been at the casino betting on snakes & ladders.

shanghai said...

after chinese new year and the doping scandal can we get back to the economic partition of the north and south ???

74 said...

Sounds like a possibly good use for City Place!

Anonymous said...

Shanghai! You made sense!

CBD Warrior said...

The chinese festival in Grafton street was clearly ill-planned and badly located there. The kids especially were hard done by - no seating (not even grassed areas and few could see the staged events. And we object to people walking around on the street with what were clearly hard alcohol and beer from one of the local restaurants, despite the prohibitions on street drinking. Back to Fogarty Park, please.

Anonymous said...

WTF Shanghia are you on about, something about some dope in south china, and theres a scandal after a partition in the north, and your having a good year.

Anonymous said...


I do not understand why taxpayers fund this Chinese New Year when there really is very few Chinese that attend. We have New year 1st January. Places that have Chinese New year, like Sydney for eg have well established China Town and significant numbers of people who are of Chinese origin. Seems so fake.

Italians, Germans, Chinese, Kanaks plus many more nationalities came together in the multicultural melting pot that the area was. I read once that White Australia policy did not apply up here bceause the whites withered in the humidity.

So we should celebrate the multicultural history relevant to Cairns to day. Not Chinese New Year, not relevant.

Jethro said...

Gavin King was one of the main agitators for the Chinese Festival to be held in Grafton Street. I have kept old clippings from The Cairns Post which confirm this. He wouldn't listen to anyone else and ultimately twisted old Bob's arm over it as well. King was one of the main opponents of the Entertanment Precinct which was to have contained a regional museum. The history of and artefacts from the Chinese settlement of Cairns could have been displayed in the museum for all to see at any time.
King botched all this up with his insistence the Chinese culture be displayed his way and his way only.
We're going to see more of these stuff ups before this arrogant know it all fool is given the boot.

Anonymous said...

Remember the way in which King and Mackenzie berated the first Ukelele Festival knocking it and Mayor Val before the event was even held. It has gone on to bigger and better things and now part of Cairns Festival with visitors from across the globe attending. Keep these two people away from organising ANYTHING!!! Manning is just useless, and doesn't give a damn anyway.

Anonymous said...

Hillbilly, there is to be a public rally held at the front of the Cairns Base Hospital tomorrow, Wednesday, at 4.30pm protesting the funding cuts to the hospital.