The Australian Crime Commission yesterday rocked the world of Australian sport, announcing that they have found "widespread illicit use of performance-enhancing drugs" in Australian sport. Crime organisations were found to be involved in the distribution of these drugs to athletes. This has been a truly shattering announcement for the brains of sport-addled fans, their pathetic and empty lives filled with the adulation of these doped-up stars and their bimbo-wag's.
Stunningly, in an announcement made on 4CA's John MacKenzie talk show today, Queensland Attorney General Jarrod Bleijie tied the performance-enhancing drug scandal directly to Far North Queensland.
Bleijie announced that an investigation has found "widespread use of illicit performance-enhancing drugs" in the massive Cairns-based prostitution business - in some cases whole teams of prostitutes were being given these drugs with the knowledge and encouragement of management. Many of these sex workers are foreigners who have been provided employment in Australia under the cover of "student visas". But in the competitive and demanding business of professional cocksuckatry, stamina and performance standards have caused most to turn to pharmaceutical enhancements.
These drugs are said to include copious amounts of coffee and tea, oral injections of a concoction called "Red Bull", and on many occasions the use of illicit "No-Doz" tablets. We won't mention the effect steroids have had on these women.
Undercover investigators have been working this case for over twelve months, making repeat visits to these hookers who advertise openly in the Cairns Post under the classified heading "Tune-Ups". Investigators were shocked to discover that what they first thought were legitimate whore moans were in fact solely the result of their massive use of illegitimate hormones.
A local pimp, interviewed at his newly-remodeled nightclub, confirmed "it's common knowledge that hookers in FNQ have been notorious users of chemical performance enhancement and peptides".
Like the investigation in sport this exposé will release no details, defaming all in the pursuit of a few.
With this revelation, men in Cairns are left only to spend lonely nights with their slabs of beer. Most are unaware of the new Julia Gillard government regulation requiring fluoride to be added during the brewing process.